Family?
Current mood: contemplative

After having talked to my Brother and my sister in the last couple days.
We have all turned out very different from each other.
None of us look alike.. we all believe in different things.
But we do have one thing in common
Everyone of us has terrible luck when it comes to relationships.
Our parents were happily married for 34 years.. but not one of us has been able to find someone that deserves that kind of a commitment.
I would have never guess that that is something that would run in the family

How Do you go on?

I am finding mysled alone in this world
Truely all alone
I thought I had everything figured out
but everything came crashing down
What now???
What do I do?
My faith has vanished.
I don`t understand anything anymore
Nothing makes any sense to me
How could I have been so blind for so long?
Why did I trust? Why did I believe in us?
Why did I think love could survive everything?
How naive I am?
I never once thought that any of this would happen..

There isn`t anything I can do..
Nothing I say matters..
Nothing I do makes a difference...
I feel completely hopeless..
Completely useless...
Nothing seem important..
Nothing matters anymore...
Its just me alone with my thoughts..
Such a lonely place my heart has become without you

Trust is such a fragile thing...
Takes soo long to get but can be destroyed in an instant..
How can I get you to trust me again...
I don`t know what to do.....
How can I earn it back????
Maybe it`s not possible..
I would give anything...
Try anything...
Just to get you to trust me again....
I love you with all my heart and all my soul..
I don`t want to be without you my love...
You are the only one I have ever wanted, ever needed.
I felt something the first moment we met, and six months later I was head over heals in love.
You`re the end of the line, the only person in this world I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Please don`t give up on me...

I am finding myself all alone.
I wanted my freedom but i had no idea what I was in for
Its rather lonely living alone, I liked it once.. and longed for it again
I got it and now I am lonely..
Yeah I know the grass is always greener syndrome. *sigh*
I have no one to blame but myself.
I put up with 6 years of BS and wound up right back where I started.
It amazing how much you come to depend on someone even for little things
Things you can easily do on your own but things he enjoyed doing for you
I not only miss coming home to someone but the specific someone that he was.
Most of the time he was nice and sweeet and honestly loved me.
but there was the sneaky deceitful side that constantly reminds me why I needed to leave.

I tried over and over to trust him, I was honest with him always...
I figured I would get back what I put in, but it never ended up that way
I never got anything back, nothing.. No communication at all..
No words, no gestures, no actions, nothing to show that he even remotedly gave a damn about what happened to us.
The few times when I had finally had enough, and either left or started packing to leave, where those rare occasions when I found out what was on his mind.
It was soo wonderful to hear how he felt, i just wish I would have hears those words sooner, before it was too late.
Such emotional conversations that left me confused and completely drained.

There was no getting away we lived at the same address
No more
I mad a decision and stuck to it for once in my life, I walked away
Its a struggle every single day, especially since he lives down the street from me
and he is my only friend in the vicinity.
Its sooo easy to cave in and call him to do something
but I can't anymore
I need to more on and leave him in my past, for my own sanity
I know its the right thing I always have, but my head and my heart are NOT communicating at all
The moment I met him, I thought it would be forever, that no matter what it was we could figure it out.
I thought that for 3 years, then everything shifted..
Living in each others lives showed me things I might not have ever seen until after I had possibly married him.

I guess I am happy to find out what I did now before the marriage (legal and financial binding) and children came into the picture.

I think I am just rambling on and on and typing in circles.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE!
(living with it is the hard part)

I came to an epiphany this weekend about family vs. the rest of the people that you know. Why are we obligated to like them no matter what? Even when the repeated make the same mistakes. I mean I generally don't like some members of my family, I mean if they were related to me I wouldn't even speak to them much less love them. WTF? Is it because we share the same DNA that we are permanently joined together. I really don't think I am like any of my family members at all. I have different views and values then they do. I can not believe that we grew up in the same house with the same parents....

Is this what marriage and children has in store for me. I raise them and they don't like me or each other? What is the purpose for marriage? Can you profess your love and loyalty to someone without having to have a Legal doctrine stating it? I can understand that have a "stable" envirnoment for raising a family is important.. but from what I can tell most marriages are NOT stable at all.

I don't think have even one friend that is "happily" married. I think everyone is getting married because they realize that divorce isn't so difficult or so frowned upon like it used to be. Maybe?
I don't know, all I know is that I am NOT married, I have no plans to be married, and getting married will not make my life any better or magically make me a complete person.

With all the people on this planet, I don't see why I should have children, maybe I should just adopt a child in need of a home. but how can I adopt and be single? and will this child one day hate me because I am NOT the biological parent?

Its all a giant mystery. With age comes Wisdom right? Well I just added another year to my total but I still don't have any usefull answers... I am just as screwed up as I was 10 years ago.

Will everything be all right?

Everyone says "Don`t worry it will get better?"
It never does, it always seems to get worse.
Just when you think its better, someone stomps on you happiness.
Why do we strive soo much for validation?
How come being loved is soo important?
I want to be loved like I love, completely and unconditionally!
Maybe thats too much?
Its hard to love someone that doesn`t love you back.
Its tragic to want to spend the rest of your life with someone and they don`t feel the same wa

Well I started this in April and have been back since.
I have trouble figuring out what to type.
Nothing I can think of needs to be read by anyone else.

Here we go.

I am 30 and all of my girlfriends are married most have a kid or 2.
I was living with my boyfriend for 4+ years, I moved in with him thinking he would be the last person I would date. hmmmmmm I guess things never turn out how you think they will. Now its 5 years or more later ( started to loose track), I bought a Condo. Yeah somewhere along the line i became an adult. He refused to live anywhere I bought, he demanded to be on the mortgage. So he has moved to his own apartment and I have moved in to my condo. We still talk everyday, we actually get along better, but...... What now???? we are back where we were 4 years ago.... absolutely nowhere!! Is it time to move on, or should I figure out what the deal is? I kept teettering back and forth on this issue.

I hope you enjoyind reading about My Miserable Life...

Ho Hum

hmmmmm
Can`t wait to be feeling better, I hate being sick
so little time and too much to do
There is soo much to do in life, so much to accomplish
No time to waste at all
Go out and do what you need to do
Don`t let anything stop you
Press On, Press On
When we`re young we think we can do anything, be anything.
Then life shits on us....
I think the most important thing is to take what life throws at you and make the best of it..
It sounds so easy, so simple, but its not!
What you do affects those that are close to you whether you realize it or not...
Feeling totally overwhelmed today and lonely...
There is no one to count on but ME
No one to depend on but ME

Fatigue

What do you do when someone tires of you?
How do you deal with the pain?
What happens when love deserts you?
How can you love again?

Only One?

You think you know someone, but I dont thinks that is even possible.
I mean, to ever truely know someone.
You think you`re happy, you think everything is ok and
WHAM
nothing is what you think, its all been a lie
"In the end there can be only one.."
Its true, it the end you only have yourself to depend on.

I hear of this from a fellow geek and thought I would give it a try!
Although I am not sure what I will write about or who would want to read it.
But hey its therapy right???