Getting fit and trying to "RUN" a 5K

Being honest, I hate running, j procrastinate doing it, I get bored easily. I am pushing myself to run a full 5K no walking, all running!  I had had surgery on both of my feet and have arthritis across the balls of both feet. So running for more than 2 minutes at a time is excruciatingly painful but I am pushing through.

So running a 5K straight through is my short term goal, I am registered and running a Santa Hustle on December 7th (? need to look up the date).

My Long team goal is to be fit and healthy by 50. ( and stay that way) I am taking steps to get there. I am working with a trainer (Thanks Corinne), I am using a Couch to 5K app to slowing increase my running time, Stupid feet, my breathing is doing fine my energy is good, but the stupid feet are holding me back, so I bought some metatarsal pads to try and run with to see if that helps with the pain.

3.2 miles is not a long way, I am mad at myself for getting to the point that this needed to be a goal.

I grew up as an active kid, I was an athlete and even played a college sport briefly. Then life took over, eventually, I got to the place I am now. Overweight, exhausted almost all the time with very little motivation other than walking the dog.

This is NOT the me I want to be. So I am pushing myself every day to do a little more, to move a little more. To get better habits. It is very difficult to re-condition yourself on all fronts.

Some days are harder than others. There has been more than one evening this past month that I have said FUCK It and gone to be early. More than one occasion when I skipped a meal because I couldn't conceive of a healthy option from what was already in my house.

As much as I want to just miraculously change everything all at once and just be THE person I am working towards, I am a Realist and I know that that is only possible for a finite amount of time. For real change to happen and exist it is a process. It takes work and dedication and the mindset to realize that if you say fuck it and go to bed early, or if you skip a meal or just eat some crap that you can wake up the next day and get back to it. It isn't the end of all your hard work when you screw up. It's just a blip on the long journey to living a fit and healthy life. For me this is just the start of what I am hoping is a long journey. 

I get down some days and want to eat an entire bag of "insert favorite junk food item here", but so far that hasn't happened. But if it should happen, then the next day I get up and I run or workout or both, and I eat healthy that next day and move past it as if I didn't have that blip.  I am human, I make mistakes ( often) but to truly be successful is learning to deal with the blips, the mistakes, lapses in healthy food judgments and to keep going. Keep moving forward, don't let those mistakes destroy your drive and your confidence.

Don't let the Music Stop

From November 2018

I think I have spent the better part of almost 2 years lost, withdrawn, overstressed, highly anxious, mostly completely miserable.

Basically, the Music Stopped.

Literally, I haven't been listening to music, I had canceled my Spotify to save monies but hated the free version since I couldn't pick the songs. So eventually just stopped using it.  I started reading more on the train to and from work. but on a packed train when I have to stand it was even hard to read the Kindle. So then I would just think and think and think. hatch plans and schemes but never started them or finished them.

I can specifically remember life events by what song was playing, I can remember what I was doing the first time I heard certain songs, I can even remember what year things happened by what music I was listening to at that specific time.  It has always been a big GIANT part of my life. Not just because its music, most everyone likes music. It marks points in history. Makes me happy. Helps me cope... Its an outlet, an escape

I haven't felt well, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

The ball was dropped on EVERYTHING. I've lost friends and family.  My anxiety has kept me home, avoiding all things social.

I am trying to get back to things but trying to do it all at once, I am getting overwhelmed and just not doing any of it.

Its crunch time, I made the decision to go back to school, to finish my Master's Degree. In order for me to be successful, I need to start out organized. I am trying to finish up my purging, getting my house in order, EVERYTHING needs a place and it needs to be in its own place and stay in it.

This is how I want my life to be, living, existing in the chaos is stressing me out completely and turning me into something, someone I do not like. I refuse to stay this empty shell. I refuse to give up. I am taking back the control.

People really do suck...

So I finally figured out why my internet has been so screwy as of late.. especially the past couple months.. I really didn't care much if it worked or not.. I’m on computers all day at work so being disconnected was a welcomed escape.

Turns out my router had been hacked several times and was being controlled by someone else.. explaining the spotty service. I have since had to restore to factory settings and lock it down even more than I had previously… not that there is anything worth having going across my home network but I ask myself why? who would do this? I really don’t have any enemies…

I think my ex-crazy has returned to torment me some more.. and I think he also bothered people he thinks are close to me.  Several of my friends have gotten strange emails/ims from me, that weren’t actually me. Setting were changed on my laptop and my pinterest, linkedin, instagram, and twitter accounts were all compromised. Passwords were changed and spam was posted or emailed out. I am sorry to those of you that were affected.

Crazy had mentioned he had done similar things before for his best friend to this man’s wife. And here I thought once I hadn't heard from him in 2 years, I was in the clear… I heard he got married.. I was happy for him, since that is exactly what he wanted, he wanted THAT more than he cared who it was, he wanted a wife and family no matter what it took to get it.  I really believed I was in the clear.. I guess my “online” life looked happy and content so he decided it was time to mess with me some more.. I mean the fake suicide was more than I should have had to deal with.  If you’re reading this, and I am sure you probably are.. WHY? You've moved on and so have I.. why do you need to harass me further or people close to me.

What can I do or say to make you leave me be?

Loss

 Such a happy picture and all it does is bring me sadness. I miss him everyday, yet I doubt I even cross his mind. Yes it was my decision to end things, and end them abruptly but I had finally had enough.

Enough disappointment, Enough indifference, Enough of being used. I never expected to be taken advantage of on such a large scale, that kindness would come back to haunt me.. Haunt me it does.  I am haunted by the fact that while I building a relationship, he was just killing time.   At first he seemed interested in me, in talking to me and in knowing me, wanted to take me everywhere, share everything with me...but it didn't last soon all he wanted was for me to pay for everything, assist him in everything, and then he'd leave me behind in everything.  He stopped sharing, talking, basically I was ignored. I was a meal ticket, I made his life easier, and he strung me along to keep it that way.  Even when I brought it up, he couldn't look at me, or even talk to me about it. Instead he "texted" me from work the next day.. Lying in text is much easier, you probably don't feel bad either..    I guess he just couldn't tell me that he didn't like me, that he didn't care, he didn't know how to be honest. Honesty is all I ever wanted.. To look me in the face and tell me how you feel, even if its not what I want to hear.

It took all my courage to ask for that, I mean if you HAVE to ask, you're not going to get the answer you want.  But I needed to know for my own sanity... my own self worth.. I just don't understand why.. or how for that matter.. I guess I hate to believe that human nature can be so horrible... My faith in humanity is greatly shaken here.

I am feeling like I have no where to turn to. no goals.. nothing to do with myself except stew and think and cry.

Hating everything right now...

Being fooled

That moment you realize that the relationship you thought you were in is over, rather it didn't actually exist. It'd the single worst feeling on the world, I can't eat, can't sleep, can't function.  The downfall of being independent means your always alone. Even when you wish you weren't.  I guess I am wondering what I've done to deserve this.  What was so bad that I keep being treated like I don't matter

so......

I can't remember the last time I was a consistent blogger. It seems to come in cycles.. Usually when I need to clear crap out of my head.. Its my own personal form of therapy.. I know that no one ever reads this, and I don't care if they do.. This is something I do for me, and only for me. It clears things out of my already over crowded brain.. If only my writing could be my source of income.  I am not nearly creative enough nor do I have decent grammar to make money off my thought stream.

Yet it seems to help me immensely and makes me feel better, keeps me sane... stops me from saying things to people that I really don't need..  Its my way to vent.. again to clear the clutter the mental clutter..  My mind has been working overtime lately.. not sure why or what is causing it.  Its interrupting my sleep, I LOVE my sleep.  I toss and turn alot, watch tv at all hours.. makes it hard to get ready and get to work everyday..

Work is getting more and more stressful, less people trying to carry the same workload. its impossible to get completely caught up.  I feel like I am slacking by going to lunch.. but some days you just need to walk away before you storm out and never return.

I generally live with little regret, especially since all my bad decisions and mistakes are what got me to this point here.. I mean I am not exactly a millionoaire-ess but I do ok.. I survive, I over spend.. I try to save money and fail... I am just an person in those regards. Trying my best to be able to get out and travel more.. there is so much to see in this world and not enough time in life to soak it all in.

This past August I finally made it out of the USA.. I made it all the way to Norway.. I went to visit my Sister and her family, since having a place to stay made it more affordable and allowed me to actually get there.. so now I need to save so I can get Austin to visit a friend and also get back to Vegas in May for PRB... Ideally I would also like to get back to Europe this summer too but not sure if all of this is in the cards.. but I am going to try and save all of my pennies to make all of this happen.

So hopefully I can remember to keep this up like I always promise myself.. make these posts more uniform and less scatterbrained.. but generally I am scatterbrained, and I am totally ok with it