Hating everything right now...

Being fooled

That moment you realize that the relationship you thought you were in is over, rather it didn't actually exist. It'd the single worst feeling on the world, I can't eat, can't sleep, can't function.  The downfall of being independent means your always alone. Even when you wish you weren't.  I guess I am wondering what I've done to deserve this.  What was so bad that I keep being treated like I don't matter

so......

I can't remember the last time I was a consistent blogger. It seems to come in cycles.. Usually when I need to clear crap out of my head.. Its my own personal form of therapy.. I know that no one ever reads this, and I don't care if they do.. This is something I do for me, and only for me. It clears things out of my already over crowded brain.. If only my writing could be my source of income.  I am not nearly creative enough nor do I have decent grammar to make money off my thought stream.

Yet it seems to help me immensely and makes me feel better, keeps me sane... stops me from saying things to people that I really don't need..  Its my way to vent.. again to clear the clutter the mental clutter..  My mind has been working overtime lately.. not sure why or what is causing it.  Its interrupting my sleep, I LOVE my sleep.  I toss and turn alot, watch tv at all hours.. makes it hard to get ready and get to work everyday..

Work is getting more and more stressful, less people trying to carry the same workload. its impossible to get completely caught up.  I feel like I am slacking by going to lunch.. but some days you just need to walk away before you storm out and never return.

I generally live with little regret, especially since all my bad decisions and mistakes are what got me to this point here.. I mean I am not exactly a millionoaire-ess but I do ok.. I survive, I over spend.. I try to save money and fail... I am just an person in those regards. Trying my best to be able to get out and travel more.. there is so much to see in this world and not enough time in life to soak it all in.

This past August I finally made it out of the USA.. I made it all the way to Norway.. I went to visit my Sister and her family, since having a place to stay made it more affordable and allowed me to actually get there.. so now I need to save so I can get Austin to visit a friend and also get back to Vegas in May for PRB... Ideally I would also like to get back to Europe this summer too but not sure if all of this is in the cards.. but I am going to try and save all of my pennies to make all of this happen.

So hopefully I can remember to keep this up like I always promise myself.. make these posts more uniform and less scatterbrained.. but generally I am scatterbrained, and I am totally ok with it

2013 - Cheers to creating the Best version of myself

I haven't done any blogging in a couple years.. quite sure no one read any of them to begin with, its just for me and my sanity.

As I look back at the year, like most everyone does at the end of December, I realize that 2012 was probably an entire year of the WORST version of myself.  I was selfish and lazy, I let friendships lapse, didn't see family enough.. Didn't technically accomplish anything worthwhile, just skated by on my no so good looks....  Its kind of sad to look back on just 1 year and thing what the F*&^ is wrong with me...

Life is precious and short and should not be squandered as I did this past year..

My resolution is to make 2013 the best version of myself possible.. this is an all inclusive resolution... All suggestions are welcomed but may not be honored or even considered...

Bring me to Life

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life

(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become

(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)

Minor Observances...

It doesn't matter what you choose to look like on the outside, relationships and feelings transcend outer appearances.

I think we all ( I know I do unconsciencely) judge by the cover, until we have the opportunity to speak to them and get to know them.

Human behaviors don't discriminate.

Random Thoughts...

I think I should have chosen a different career path for myself.
I took the easy way out, I figured out something I was good at and then I used that to forge my path into supporting myself.

I think I would have enjoyed something less technical and more subjective. I wish I had more of an opportunity to use my smarts for something different.

I haven't written much, pretending I am too busy.. blah.. blah.. blah..

I miss this, it gives me an outlet.. tossing out my thoughts and observances.I know that no one reads and I don't advertize this. I think I am happier that this goes unread.... that way I won't inadvertently sensor myself.

To me it helps to get it on paper (so to speak). I don't want to have to carry a notebook around with me everywhere I go. I basically have internet where ever I am so I can always make time for my personal form of therapy.

Lucky

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Stop the Obama Constitutional Crisis
Sign the Petition : 70,080 Letters and Emails Sent So Far

In case this link doesn't work.. cut and paste the following into your browser..

http://www.rallycongress.com/constitutional-qualification/1244/stop-obama-constitutional-crisis/

Well its has been an entire year since I have posted. A lot has happened and a lot has changed. I have a completely different outlook on life and on the world. I plan to write more often. Its such a therapeutic outlet. It allows me to voice my opinions and thoughts. It definitely time to change the content of these posts.

Most of my previous rantings were in regards to relationships and social aspects. Given the state of the world at this given point in history, I think I will adapt to a less frivolous and shallow topics. Replace these with more timely and politically aware issues.

I welcome all feedback and comments as long as they are educated and not slanderous.

"Are You Still Mad ?"

are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
are you still mad I compared you to all
my forty year old male friends?
are you still mad I shared our problems
with everybody?

are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
are you still mad I tried to mold you into
who I wanted you to be?
are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
of course you are
of course you are

are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
are you still mad that I had one foot out of the door?
are you still mad that we slept together even after
we had ended it?
of course you are
of course you are

are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
are you still mad that I seemed to focus
only on your potential?
are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
of course you are
of course you are

"You Complete Me"

I am lost in the darkness
Between two worlds and here I'm struggling
You're the light that I've been seeking
'Cause my whole life there's been something missing
Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
And you complete me
Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
And you complete me

Rescue me from this black hole
That sucked me in and left my dying
You're the truth that I've been seeking
'Cause my whole life I've been lying

Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
And you complete me
Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
And you complete me

God I pray you find me worthy
Of the right to stand beside you
And of your truth and of your passion
Of the right to sleep beside you

Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
And you complete me
Only you
Can make me whole
Just one touch
And you complete me
Just one touch
And you complete me
Just one touch
And you complete me
Just one touch
And you complete me

And here it begins... After being single this entire year I finally meet someone that I like and seems to like me too.. We've been on 4 dates.. which never happens to me.. I usually never make it past 2 dates.. Its not that I am meeting bad guys, crazy guys, or just plain jerks.. I have met some really great people but the chemistry hasn't been there.. I liked them and was happy to have met them but no sparks.. these are guys that I like enough to fix them up with someone I know but they just weren't for me.. and I NEVER play matchmaker.. I spent all summer trying to figure out why I was being so picky.. I don't want to settle into something just to be in a relationship.. To me it needs to be the "right" relationship.. otherwise its just a waste of both of our times.. I am a bit blunt and don't want to lead anyone on...

Ok Now I like this guy.. things are going good and moving along.. and my nerouses take over.. since its so slow at work.. I have too much time to think.. I am over thinking all of it.. I sit here and anticipate emails from him.. I used to get them a couple times a day .. but now I am lucky if I get one at all.. so when I send them I am feeling like a pest.. I am not waiting for his calls, but I always hoping to talk to him.. I look forward to seeing him every chance I get.. I am worried I am getting too invested too soon.. and feel like I will drive him away... and that is the last thing I want... We are both so busy its going to be difficult to make time for each other.. its a good thing I am good at time management.. I thrive on chaos and over booking.. somehow I always get everything accomplished and everything gets taken care of.. I need the stress as a motivator.. otherwise I get lazy and useless..

I am just hoping I am not getting ahead of myself... I hate the feeling of fear, of the unknown.. I like having a bit of security.. just something that I know he is interested and wants to keep trying... Is that too much to ask?? or is it to soon to expect that.. Its been almost a month.. I don't know it's been so long since I have been in the dating world.. I don't know what is normal.. what people are doing.. what is acceptable?? I am trying not to get my hopes up... but still acting all silly like a teenagers.. its fun to have something to look forward to and be giddy about...

One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon. A man sat and watched for the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force it's body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further. So the man decided tohelp the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily, but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expande to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happend! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the resticting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening was God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

We Could Never Fly!

Professional

Well its Monday morning, I made it through an entire week at this new job. Not sure how long I can last here. There is not enough to do and everything here is extremely illogical. I had forgotten what it was like to work in a corporation.. It takes so many layers of people to get anything accomplished, not only that but everyone wants to pass the buck. I was used to HAVING to do it all myself. Its an extremely hard adjustment.

Personal

Well I am in a sort relationshipl sort of not.. I don't even know what the Eff is going on. Let me describe this if I can without too much anger and too much detail.
I met this guy over a year ago, we dated for a few months.. he dumped me to go back to his ex... somehow we stayed friends.. hanging out occassionally. Well the reconcilation didn't last.. I think maybe 3 whole weeks.. So we are friends and he wants to "take me out" again, funny how that works huh? So I reluctantly agree.. we have a good time even though things are a bit awkward.. but I know I am not willing to get involved again, I should NOT have gone.. but alas we are friends and discussed it. I do NOT want to be any more than friends.. We are still friends and still hanging out.. nothing more.. hes dating others and so am I. I am finding it difficult to find someone that I connect with. we talk about the dates, the bad the good.. like friends would.. recently hes seems jealous.. but I can't understand why.. hes the one with the revolving door of women (his words not mine). A couple weeks ago while we were out ( on a thursday i think). Hes complaining about random things.. drinking too much.. getting into a bad mood.. Hes discussing how he wants a relationship blah blah blah... which is the opposite of anything he ever wanted before, but he's drunk and chalk it up to drunk and lonely.. He asked me to come up to his place get his dog for a walk and they will walk me to my car... Here is where it gets bizarre.

He gets behind me, wraps his arms around me and tells me he loves me. For once in my life I was speechless... If it had been a year ago I would have bee estatic..but now too much has happened and I know too much about him... the more I learned, the more he was like my ex.. No way am I knowingly getting involved with an alcholic. Too many mood swings and problems to go along with that..

So needless to say things are awkard.. I think he tinks we're working on a relationship but as for me I don't want that not one bit. I want to find my forever... no more random dating and putting up with crap..

Life in General

Well after watching Da Bears(4-0) kick ass last night, I got to hear the Superbowl shuffle on the radio on my way to work and after that was an old Posion song.. ( my favorite hair band from HS).. then a Beatles song after that... how strange a conbintion on the radio.. but made for a pleasant drive...

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you
I've changed my mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We have been friends for a very long time ...
let's say we stop?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay J

I Think That I Shall Never See

A guy who's perfect just for me
A man who's bright and bore me,
whos the good taste to adore me
One'll make my insides tingle
Who is (dare I hope it?) single
And who if our lips should lock
can send my hormones into shock
A man whose passion doesn't wane
when he finds out I've got a brain
Yet one who'll flatterm charm, and flirt
(a lot of money couldn't hurt)
So if you see my Mr. Right
feel free to call me day or night
And if he doesn't come along - - -
Perhaps I'll consider Mr. Wrong

I hate this feeling.
Current mood: Creative
Category: Life

I Hate the Feeling

This feeling of uselessnessss
This feeling of loneliness
This feeling of uncertainty
This feeling of confusion
This feeling of depression
This feeling of elation
This feeling of being loved
This feeling of helplessness
This feeling of boredom
This feeling of desparation
This feeling of depression
This feeling of accomplishment
This feeling of failure
This feeling of self reliance
This feeling of independence
This feeling of wanting
This feeling of contentment

They all exist and fight for control..

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The Raven
Edgar Allan Poe


Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow will he leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

I don't get it at all...
Current mood: confused

Why do men like to FUCK with your head.. honestly I don't need this...

I mean would someone really say " I LOVE YOU" just to get sex... I mean really... at 35 years old.. at 16 I would believe it.. but not now....

Although I don't think he would use those words lightly... he did say I love you NOT I am IN love with you... two different things...

he was drunk and he probably meant as just a friend...

FUCK why am I still thinking about this...

he has a date tomorrow and probably a different girl next week...