People really do suck...

So I finally figured out why my internet has been so screwy as of late.. especially the past couple months.. I really didn't care much if it worked or not.. I’m on computers all day at work so being disconnected was a welcomed escape.

Turns out my router had been hacked several times and was being controlled by someone else.. explaining the spotty service. I have since had to restore to factory settings and lock it down even more than I had previously… not that there is anything worth having going across my home network but I ask myself why? who would do this? I really don’t have any enemies…

I think my ex-crazy has returned to torment me some more.. and I think he also bothered people he thinks are close to me.  Several of my friends have gotten strange emails/ims from me, that weren’t actually me. Setting were changed on my laptop and my pinterest, linkedin, instagram, and twitter accounts were all compromised. Passwords were changed and spam was posted or emailed out. I am sorry to those of you that were affected.

Crazy had mentioned he had done similar things before for his best friend to this man’s wife. And here I thought once I hadn't heard from him in 2 years, I was in the clear… I heard he got married.. I was happy for him, since that is exactly what he wanted, he wanted THAT more than he cared who it was, he wanted a wife and family no matter what it took to get it.  I really believed I was in the clear.. I guess my “online” life looked happy and content so he decided it was time to mess with me some more.. I mean the fake suicide was more than I should have had to deal with.  If you’re reading this, and I am sure you probably are.. WHY? You've moved on and so have I.. why do you need to harass me further or people close to me.

What can I do or say to make you leave me be?

Loss

 Such a happy picture and all it does is bring me sadness. I miss him everyday, yet I doubt I even cross his mind. Yes it was my decision to end things, and end them abruptly but I had finally had enough.

Enough disappointment, Enough indifference, Enough of being used. I never expected to be taken advantage of on such a large scale, that kindness would come back to haunt me.. Haunt me it does.  I am haunted by the fact that while I building a relationship, he was just killing time.   At first he seemed interested in me, in talking to me and in knowing me, wanted to take me everywhere, share everything with me...but it didn't last soon all he wanted was for me to pay for everything, assist him in everything, and then he'd leave me behind in everything.  He stopped sharing, talking, basically I was ignored. I was a meal ticket, I made his life easier, and he strung me along to keep it that way.  Even when I brought it up, he couldn't look at me, or even talk to me about it. Instead he "texted" me from work the next day.. Lying in text is much easier, you probably don't feel bad either..    I guess he just couldn't tell me that he didn't like me, that he didn't care, he didn't know how to be honest. Honesty is all I ever wanted.. To look me in the face and tell me how you feel, even if its not what I want to hear.

It took all my courage to ask for that, I mean if you HAVE to ask, you're not going to get the answer you want.  But I needed to know for my own sanity... my own self worth.. I just don't understand why.. or how for that matter.. I guess I hate to believe that human nature can be so horrible... My faith in humanity is greatly shaken here.

I am feeling like I have no where to turn to. no goals.. nothing to do with myself except stew and think and cry.