Just Another Friday....
Current mood: rejected

Once again its a Friday. My weekend is packed with "GIRLS NIGHT OUT"
The more I am out, the less likely I am to sulk and feel sorry for myself. I truely miss having someone that cares about where I am and what I am doing.. Someone that loves me no matter what... Its so hard to find.. Am I getting pickier as I get older?? I dont' know but I rarely meet anyone that is interesting. Maybe I just expect too much from people.. I am just feeling a tad lonely.. I miss all the small things.. Cooking dinner together, watching tv, lounging around on a Sunday afternoon.. I liked being settled.. I was happy and content.. I am so reluctant to start over again, seems like too much work for something that is likely to fail again... I know I am being synical but I guess I am still mourning my loss and not quite ready to rethink the future...

Currently listening :
Wither Blister Burn & Peel
By Stabbing Westward
Release date: By 23 January, 1996

My New Anthem!
Current mood: blah

I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend (whoa)
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend

I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
And you know it makes me sick to be on that list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed

You say you’re gonna burn before you’re mellow
I’ll be the one to burn you
Why’d ya have to go and pick me
When you knew that we were different
Completely

I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend (whoa)
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend (whoa)
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them (whoa)
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend

And I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed

Your wildness scares me so does your freedom
See I can’t stand the restrictions
I found myself trying to change you
If you were meant to be my lover I wouldn’t have to

And I feel so mean
I feel in-between
Cause I’m about to
Give you away

I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend(for someone else to take)
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend(you’re making a mistake)
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them(all the time we wasted)
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girl...friend

And I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed
And I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed

I’m about to give you away
For someone else to take
I’m about to give you away
For someone else to take

You repeated mistakes for sourvenirs
We’ve been in-between the days for years
I believed it when I said you were going to die
Now I’m gonna watch you and you know why
Its gonna kill me to see you with the next girl
Cause I’m almost awfully so jealous cause the next girl
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed

I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend (whoa)
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend (whoa)
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
I kinda always knew I’d end up your ex-girlfriend

And I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed
I’m another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed

WTF
Current mood: depressed

I don't even know where to start.. Everything is soo Fucked up.
How could I have been so wrong...
For so long all I wanted to do was spend my life with him...
He was my world, my everything..
The moment I met him I knew something there was something special about him, something I wanted to spend my life figuring out, learning about.
That was almost 7 year ago. I thought we'd been throught so much together that nothing would break us up.. NOTHING... but no relationship will work with only one person...

Everything was all a lie...I believed he loved me as much as I loved him.
I remember the moment that I fell in love with him. I wasn't even dating him.. He was with some else.. I met her later that same night.. I guess that I never realized there would alway be someone else...

I mean at some point I figured its been years how could he possibly have time for anyone else.. I tusted our love... I figured I loved him so much and we were happy... I figured wrong...

Whether he phsyically cheated or not.. I will NEVER know... but there were always other women on his brain, possibly in his heart.. Most of them I found out about.. I bet there are others I didn't..

There was this entirely second secret life that I wasn't apart of.... Its hard to imagine anyone would choose to live like that... i have trouble keeping track of myself let alone trying to conceal people and relationships...

I kidded myself thinking that he loved me and would always come back to me... WTF was I thinking... no one deserves that kind of treatment...

I understand that relationthips take work.. but none should have been as hard as this was...

I finally came up with the strength that I never thought I would have.. I finally ended things for good.. I got some closure...I thought that would help... Its so cliche and crap... Doesn't make me feel any better.. I just cut the string I had been dangled on for years...

As I left his house.. giving him his things, and taking mine.. who should I see at the corner of his block... the same woman he was seeing when I realized I was in love with him...

What are chances... maybe too coincidental... maybe he was meeting her later that evening.. maybe he had been still seeing her all this time... It would not surprise me.. I dont' think anything would anymore...

I can't even think straight right now... sure I lost a love.. one that I thought was forever, but i also lost my best friend...

He was the one person in this world that knew me better than I know myself.. he knew my issues, my problems, and he still loved me..

Is it really true, are men incapable of loyalty and fidelity???

Seether:
Current mood: hopeful


"Fuck It"

I guess I like it when we play
(The way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you hate me
(The way you drag me down)
Cause I can't face myself in a mirror
(I'm left alone with all my pain)
And I disgrace myself in the mirror
(I'm left alone with my shame)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me

I guess I like it when we fight
(The way you drag me down)
I guess I like it when you smite me
(The way you drag me down)
Cause I can't face myself in a mirror
(I'm left alone with all my pain)
And I disgrace myself in the mirror
(I'm left alone with my shame)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me

You're out of luck - can't get a piece of me
It's all blown up. Don't even fuck with me.
I cannot please you all forever
I cannot please you at all
(I can feel you coming up behind me)

Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me
Fuck it! I see you in me
Fuck it! I feel you in me
Fuck it! I'll heal you in me

Wrong As Usual
Current mood: disappointed

If figures that when I find someone I like..Who genuinely seems to like me back...BOOOM.. totally wrong. After no reponse for a few days... I get (via email) a message saying that he is "kinda" back with his old girlfriend... He failed to mention that he had an ex that was still around.... oh well. I didn't specifically ask if there was anyone else.. I guess I should have..... Obvioulsy he would rather go back to someone he Either dumped or someone that dumped him... than start something new.... His loss and that relationship is bound to fail again considering it already has once.. *sigh* there will be someone else for me even it things look bleek.

Somewhere else to be - by VAST

Every time that I cry out
No one ever comes to me
Every time that I reach out
No one ever rescues me
I wish I could hide from everyone
Is there somewhere else to be
Is there somewhere else to be
Take me in
I want out
That's all I need
I wish I could run from everything
Is there somewhere else to be
Is there somewhere else to be
Take me in
I want out
That's all I need




Just when you thought.....
Current mood: giggly

you'd never find someone you liked. After what seems like millions of bad dates....I might have found someone worth spending time with. Its still early so I will have to keep you posted..We have a lot of common but there is still a lot to learn.....

Time for something new
Current mood: hopeful

I feel like in the last week my life has turned upside down yet again...In and out of the same relationship gets so tiring and so stressful... I FINALLY said goodbye for good.. time for a NEW start... So I have planned out just about every minute of my free time so I don't relive all the drama...So far so good...

Currently reading :
Good in Bed
By Jennifer Weiner
Release date: By 02 April, 2002

"Easy" Button
Current mood: exhausted

I keep seeing all the comercials with an "easy" button..
I never remember what they are for, but I want an "easy" button.
I want to life to return to when things were easy...
I think that was about age 10 or so..
Can I please keep all my knowledge though???
There are so many things I wish I could change, so many mistakes.
Yeah Yeah we learn from mistakes...
I need to repeat them a few times before I learn.

On a different note, I had softball practice on Sat..
Its been 10 years at least since I played softball.
That couple hours single handedly made me feel my age.
I can barely move and tonight is our first game..
Yet another reason i wish I was 10 again.. you body is still a rubberband... no aches and pains...
how wonderful that would be.

White Flag
Current mood: hopeful

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up in surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules that it's over
then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Everything
Current mood: chipper

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who is as positive as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...

I feel like ranting....

Sometimes I wonder what year it actually is.. It kills me that women are using their body and their looks to get ahead in life.. what happened to using your brain and working hard to get things.. You all give the rest of us a bad name.. The wholel whining and batting your eyelashes to get what you want has got to go...

My Intelligence Test Results....LOL

Twich, you're smartest when it comes to Social Intelligence

People who score highly in social intelligence may be healthier than their less socially intelligent peers. This is true because people who have stronger relationships and wider social networks tend to be less susceptible to illness than lonely people.

I Will Always Love You
Current mood: sad

If I Should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go But I know
I'll think of you every step of the way

And I... Will always Love you, oohh
Will always Love you
You My darling you Mmm-mm

Bittersweet Memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So good-bye Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you You need
And I... Will always love you
I... Will always love you
You, ooh

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love

And I... Will always love you
I... Will always love you
I, I will always love You....
You Darling I love you I'll always
I'll always Love You..
Oooh Ooohhh

What a waste of time....

Love is a waste of time.
It only leads to pain and heartache.

You Are 27 Years Old

27 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40 : You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

*this is shockingly accurate.. I didn't expect it to be...lol

Not my Favorite singer but I like the lyrics...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Like We Never Had a Broken Heart

Don't be afraid to hold me tight
You know I won't break in two
What we're doing here tonight
Sure beats what we're going through

We both loved and lost before
We know the sadness it can bring
Tonight, let's close the door
And hold on to the nearest thing

Let's keep hangin' on
So we won't fall apart
Let's make love tonight
Like we never had a broken heart

Don't be afraid to close your eyes
Pretend I'm someone that you love
And I won't have to tell you lies
'Cause it's not you I'm thinkin' of

Tonight, we'll just pretend
We've been in love right from the start
Let's make love again
Like we never had a broken heart

Oh, let's make love again
Like we never had a broken heart
Don't be afraid to close your eyes


* I dont' even know this song but I loved the lyrics...

Its a New Year
Current mood: optimistic

Its time to adhear to all those resolutions. I have soo many i don't know where to begin.
1. I plan on getting into shape same as 99% of the population.. but not so i look good to other, I want to feel better about myself!
2. I decided to leave a painful and abusive relationship in 2004 and not drag it along into a new year..
3. I decided that I am the most important thing in my life, and resolve to make myself happy for once.

Yeah ME!

Family?
Current mood: contemplative

After having talked to my Brother and my sister in the last couple days.
We have all turned out very different from each other.
None of us look alike.. we all believe in different things.
But we do have one thing in common
Everyone of us has terrible luck when it comes to relationships.
Our parents were happily married for 34 years.. but not one of us has been able to find someone that deserves that kind of a commitment.
I would have never guess that that is something that would run in the family