"Easy" Button
Current mood: exhausted

I keep seeing all the comercials with an "easy" button..
I never remember what they are for, but I want an "easy" button.
I want to life to return to when things were easy...
I think that was about age 10 or so..
Can I please keep all my knowledge though???
There are so many things I wish I could change, so many mistakes.
Yeah Yeah we learn from mistakes...
I need to repeat them a few times before I learn.

On a different note, I had softball practice on Sat..
Its been 10 years at least since I played softball.
That couple hours single handedly made me feel my age.
I can barely move and tonight is our first game..
Yet another reason i wish I was 10 again.. you body is still a rubberband... no aches and pains...
how wonderful that would be.

White Flag
Current mood: hopeful

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up in surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules that it's over
then I'm sure that that makes sense
But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

Everything
Current mood: chipper

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who is as positive as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you've ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected.
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone
Who's as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

And you’re still here
And you're still here...

I feel like ranting....

Sometimes I wonder what year it actually is.. It kills me that women are using their body and their looks to get ahead in life.. what happened to using your brain and working hard to get things.. You all give the rest of us a bad name.. The wholel whining and batting your eyelashes to get what you want has got to go...

My Intelligence Test Results....LOL

Twich, you're smartest when it comes to Social Intelligence

People who score highly in social intelligence may be healthier than their less socially intelligent peers. This is true because people who have stronger relationships and wider social networks tend to be less susceptible to illness than lonely people.

I Will Always Love You
Current mood: sad

If I Should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go But I know
I'll think of you every step of the way

And I... Will always Love you, oohh
Will always Love you
You My darling you Mmm-mm

Bittersweet Memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So good-bye Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you You need
And I... Will always love you
I... Will always love you
You, ooh

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love

And I... Will always love you
I... Will always love you
I, I will always love You....
You Darling I love you I'll always
I'll always Love You..
Oooh Ooohhh

What a waste of time....

Love is a waste of time.
It only leads to pain and heartache.

You Are 27 Years Old

27 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40 : You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

*this is shockingly accurate.. I didn't expect it to be...lol

Not my Favorite singer but I like the lyrics...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Like We Never Had a Broken Heart

Don't be afraid to hold me tight
You know I won't break in two
What we're doing here tonight
Sure beats what we're going through

We both loved and lost before
We know the sadness it can bring
Tonight, let's close the door
And hold on to the nearest thing

Let's keep hangin' on
So we won't fall apart
Let's make love tonight
Like we never had a broken heart

Don't be afraid to close your eyes
Pretend I'm someone that you love
And I won't have to tell you lies
'Cause it's not you I'm thinkin' of

Tonight, we'll just pretend
We've been in love right from the start
Let's make love again
Like we never had a broken heart

Oh, let's make love again
Like we never had a broken heart
Don't be afraid to close your eyes


* I dont' even know this song but I loved the lyrics...

Its a New Year
Current mood: optimistic

Its time to adhear to all those resolutions. I have soo many i don't know where to begin.
1. I plan on getting into shape same as 99% of the population.. but not so i look good to other, I want to feel better about myself!
2. I decided to leave a painful and abusive relationship in 2004 and not drag it along into a new year..
3. I decided that I am the most important thing in my life, and resolve to make myself happy for once.

Yeah ME!

Family?
Current mood: contemplative

After having talked to my Brother and my sister in the last couple days.
We have all turned out very different from each other.
None of us look alike.. we all believe in different things.
But we do have one thing in common
Everyone of us has terrible luck when it comes to relationships.
Our parents were happily married for 34 years.. but not one of us has been able to find someone that deserves that kind of a commitment.
I would have never guess that that is something that would run in the family

How Do you go on?

I am finding mysled alone in this world
Truely all alone
I thought I had everything figured out
but everything came crashing down
What now???
What do I do?
My faith has vanished.
I don`t understand anything anymore
Nothing makes any sense to me
How could I have been so blind for so long?
Why did I trust? Why did I believe in us?
Why did I think love could survive everything?
How naive I am?
I never once thought that any of this would happen..

There isn`t anything I can do..
Nothing I say matters..
Nothing I do makes a difference...
I feel completely hopeless..
Completely useless...
Nothing seem important..
Nothing matters anymore...
Its just me alone with my thoughts..
Such a lonely place my heart has become without you

Trust is such a fragile thing...
Takes soo long to get but can be destroyed in an instant..
How can I get you to trust me again...
I don`t know what to do.....
How can I earn it back????
Maybe it`s not possible..
I would give anything...
Try anything...
Just to get you to trust me again....
I love you with all my heart and all my soul..
I don`t want to be without you my love...
You are the only one I have ever wanted, ever needed.
I felt something the first moment we met, and six months later I was head over heals in love.
You`re the end of the line, the only person in this world I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Please don`t give up on me...

I am finding myself all alone.
I wanted my freedom but i had no idea what I was in for
Its rather lonely living alone, I liked it once.. and longed for it again
I got it and now I am lonely..
Yeah I know the grass is always greener syndrome. *sigh*
I have no one to blame but myself.
I put up with 6 years of BS and wound up right back where I started.
It amazing how much you come to depend on someone even for little things
Things you can easily do on your own but things he enjoyed doing for you
I not only miss coming home to someone but the specific someone that he was.
Most of the time he was nice and sweeet and honestly loved me.
but there was the sneaky deceitful side that constantly reminds me why I needed to leave.

I tried over and over to trust him, I was honest with him always...
I figured I would get back what I put in, but it never ended up that way
I never got anything back, nothing.. No communication at all..
No words, no gestures, no actions, nothing to show that he even remotedly gave a damn about what happened to us.
The few times when I had finally had enough, and either left or started packing to leave, where those rare occasions when I found out what was on his mind.
It was soo wonderful to hear how he felt, i just wish I would have hears those words sooner, before it was too late.
Such emotional conversations that left me confused and completely drained.

There was no getting away we lived at the same address
No more
I mad a decision and stuck to it for once in my life, I walked away
Its a struggle every single day, especially since he lives down the street from me
and he is my only friend in the vicinity.
Its sooo easy to cave in and call him to do something
but I can't anymore
I need to more on and leave him in my past, for my own sanity
I know its the right thing I always have, but my head and my heart are NOT communicating at all
The moment I met him, I thought it would be forever, that no matter what it was we could figure it out.
I thought that for 3 years, then everything shifted..
Living in each others lives showed me things I might not have ever seen until after I had possibly married him.

I guess I am happy to find out what I did now before the marriage (legal and financial binding) and children came into the picture.

I think I am just rambling on and on and typing in circles.

I MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE!
(living with it is the hard part)

I came to an epiphany this weekend about family vs. the rest of the people that you know. Why are we obligated to like them no matter what? Even when the repeated make the same mistakes. I mean I generally don't like some members of my family, I mean if they were related to me I wouldn't even speak to them much less love them. WTF? Is it because we share the same DNA that we are permanently joined together. I really don't think I am like any of my family members at all. I have different views and values then they do. I can not believe that we grew up in the same house with the same parents....

Is this what marriage and children has in store for me. I raise them and they don't like me or each other? What is the purpose for marriage? Can you profess your love and loyalty to someone without having to have a Legal doctrine stating it? I can understand that have a "stable" envirnoment for raising a family is important.. but from what I can tell most marriages are NOT stable at all.

I don't think have even one friend that is "happily" married. I think everyone is getting married because they realize that divorce isn't so difficult or so frowned upon like it used to be. Maybe?
I don't know, all I know is that I am NOT married, I have no plans to be married, and getting married will not make my life any better or magically make me a complete person.

With all the people on this planet, I don't see why I should have children, maybe I should just adopt a child in need of a home. but how can I adopt and be single? and will this child one day hate me because I am NOT the biological parent?

Its all a giant mystery. With age comes Wisdom right? Well I just added another year to my total but I still don't have any usefull answers... I am just as screwed up as I was 10 years ago.

Will everything be all right?

Everyone says "Don`t worry it will get better?"
It never does, it always seems to get worse.
Just when you think its better, someone stomps on you happiness.
Why do we strive soo much for validation?
How come being loved is soo important?
I want to be loved like I love, completely and unconditionally!
Maybe thats too much?
Its hard to love someone that doesn`t love you back.
Its tragic to want to spend the rest of your life with someone and they don`t feel the same wa

Well I started this in April and have been back since.
I have trouble figuring out what to type.
Nothing I can think of needs to be read by anyone else.

Here we go.

I am 30 and all of my girlfriends are married most have a kid or 2.
I was living with my boyfriend for 4+ years, I moved in with him thinking he would be the last person I would date. hmmmmmm I guess things never turn out how you think they will. Now its 5 years or more later ( started to loose track), I bought a Condo. Yeah somewhere along the line i became an adult. He refused to live anywhere I bought, he demanded to be on the mortgage. So he has moved to his own apartment and I have moved in to my condo. We still talk everyday, we actually get along better, but...... What now???? we are back where we were 4 years ago.... absolutely nowhere!! Is it time to move on, or should I figure out what the deal is? I kept teettering back and forth on this issue.

I hope you enjoyind reading about My Miserable Life...