Getting fit and trying to "RUN" a 5K

Being honest, I hate running, j procrastinate doing it, I get bored easily. I am pushing myself to run a full 5K no walking, all running!  I had had surgery on both of my feet and have arthritis across the balls of both feet. So running for more than 2 minutes at a time is excruciatingly painful but I am pushing through.

So running a 5K straight through is my short term goal, I am registered and running a Santa Hustle on December 7th (? need to look up the date).

My Long team goal is to be fit and healthy by 50. ( and stay that way) I am taking steps to get there. I am working with a trainer (Thanks Corinne), I am using a Couch to 5K app to slowing increase my running time, Stupid feet, my breathing is doing fine my energy is good, but the stupid feet are holding me back, so I bought some metatarsal pads to try and run with to see if that helps with the pain.

3.2 miles is not a long way, I am mad at myself for getting to the point that this needed to be a goal.

I grew up as an active kid, I was an athlete and even played a college sport briefly. Then life took over, eventually, I got to the place I am now. Overweight, exhausted almost all the time with very little motivation other than walking the dog.

This is NOT the me I want to be. So I am pushing myself every day to do a little more, to move a little more. To get better habits. It is very difficult to re-condition yourself on all fronts.

Some days are harder than others. There has been more than one evening this past month that I have said FUCK It and gone to be early. More than one occasion when I skipped a meal because I couldn't conceive of a healthy option from what was already in my house.

As much as I want to just miraculously change everything all at once and just be THE person I am working towards, I am a Realist and I know that that is only possible for a finite amount of time. For real change to happen and exist it is a process. It takes work and dedication and the mindset to realize that if you say fuck it and go to bed early, or if you skip a meal or just eat some crap that you can wake up the next day and get back to it. It isn't the end of all your hard work when you screw up. It's just a blip on the long journey to living a fit and healthy life. For me this is just the start of what I am hoping is a long journey. 

I get down some days and want to eat an entire bag of "insert favorite junk food item here", but so far that hasn't happened. But if it should happen, then the next day I get up and I run or workout or both, and I eat healthy that next day and move past it as if I didn't have that blip.  I am human, I make mistakes ( often) but to truly be successful is learning to deal with the blips, the mistakes, lapses in healthy food judgments and to keep going. Keep moving forward, don't let those mistakes destroy your drive and your confidence.

Don't let the Music Stop

From November 2018

I think I have spent the better part of almost 2 years lost, withdrawn, overstressed, highly anxious, mostly completely miserable.

Basically, the Music Stopped.

Literally, I haven't been listening to music, I had canceled my Spotify to save monies but hated the free version since I couldn't pick the songs. So eventually just stopped using it.  I started reading more on the train to and from work. but on a packed train when I have to stand it was even hard to read the Kindle. So then I would just think and think and think. hatch plans and schemes but never started them or finished them.

I can specifically remember life events by what song was playing, I can remember what I was doing the first time I heard certain songs, I can even remember what year things happened by what music I was listening to at that specific time.  It has always been a big GIANT part of my life. Not just because its music, most everyone likes music. It marks points in history. Makes me happy. Helps me cope... Its an outlet, an escape

I haven't felt well, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

The ball was dropped on EVERYTHING. I've lost friends and family.  My anxiety has kept me home, avoiding all things social.

I am trying to get back to things but trying to do it all at once, I am getting overwhelmed and just not doing any of it.

Its crunch time, I made the decision to go back to school, to finish my Master's Degree. In order for me to be successful, I need to start out organized. I am trying to finish up my purging, getting my house in order, EVERYTHING needs a place and it needs to be in its own place and stay in it.

This is how I want my life to be, living, existing in the chaos is stressing me out completely and turning me into something, someone I do not like. I refuse to stay this empty shell. I refuse to give up. I am taking back the control.